Somber thoughts


It gets to a point we all gotta fake happiness in order to convince ourselves that we are.

Hi. I’m fine, don’t worry about me. I think I’m absolutely feeling neutral now but trying to tell myself hard enough that I’m not being sentimental. But I guess I am.

Let me just thank the booze I drank tonight (alone) for giving me enough courage to blog about my caged feelings again. I’ve been holding back my human emotions (arte lang) for quite some time. I was not aware that it’s making me lose myself. (What now?)

Ignore the close and open parenthesis. My subconscious is talking and telling me things that I should stop this but I won’t.

Anyway, I won’t say I’m sad cos I’m not. But I won’t say that I’m happy as well cos clearly… I’m not.

Life can turn you into a person you don’t want to be. I mean yes I get that you can be whoever you want, that’s what everybody else is telling us but getting there requires you losing half of your heart. How? I can’t tell but it felt like I lost mine somewhere in the process.

We all know for a fact that life isn’t as pleasant and perfect as how we all want it to be. There are a thousand things we experience that we’d randomly forget without really understanding what it meant. I, myself, get confused a lot of times but I think I’ve lived most of my life expecting the best out of things/events/people. I’m optimistic about almost everything even though sometimes it’s close to impossible but I’d always end up convincing myself that all things are possible (of course, with God).

All I know is I’ve been selfish and that I did not see the things I kept doing wrong. Strange that we’re so blind of our own flaws & funny how quiet times can give me certain realizations like this.

I’d have questions, I’d get confused, I’d sometimes get hurt but still manage to gracefully move forward because I’d always hope that tomorrow’s gonna be better. And God never failed me, every new day turned out to be brighter. But there are moments when I’d feel like breaking and feel so much loaded that I’d just burst to tears for no apparent reason. Sometimes I get so hopeful or positive that people/things would eventually give up on me. That when I’ve had too much faith, it sometimes just had to end. I know I can’t always expect to get a mutual response but you get the point.

We all need some serious self-fixing. I’d never get tired of hoping and being optimistic about things. I’d always cherish when I’m happy and  grow up when I’m in pain. For no matter how crazy life gets, in the end it’s gonna be a happily ever after. I love where I am but let’s just say that I don’t really like who I am right now. Does that even make sense? I hope you get it.


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