1 to Infinite

 

My lovely boyfriend and I celebrated our first anniversary. Today is one of the best days in my life. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY! I’m proud to say that we have made it already this far. Because staying in a long distance relationship is very hard for sure.

It seems so unreal. Knowing that I’m still together with someone who’s not with me for months, physically. 1 year. 1 year I’ve been praying for peace of heart and strength. It’s not easy, it’s still not easy. It’s not easy when the one you love has to be far away from you and it’s not easy when you see other people have all the time in the world to be physically close to their loved ones. When I think about it deeply, I realize that my relationship is composed of messaging and 30 minutes to 1 hour video call. That’s what I have. It’s more of dates over FB Messenger, chatting with him and making kissy and huggy noises over a phone call when we both say goodnight to each other. It’s not exactly the ideal relationship someone wants, but that’s what I have.

Distance isn’t meant for everyone. It’s not easy and a lot of people give up. I’ve also heard so many times that it can break a relationship more than it can make it. Not a lot of people believe that it can work and not a lot of people would be willing to take this risk. But for those who experience the latter, they know what strength is, they have a great understanding of patience and a deep value for time. It’s not just about the distance, it’s also going to be about the time difference, the need for internet connection to communicate (cause I’m pretty sure international text is going to be a killer) and our patience for and with each other.
4e16319f4126cc498d0316b73743e8d5 It doesn’t stop me from believing that this can be different. I guess at the end of everything, I don’t really see the distance, because all I see is the other person at the end of all the kilometers and miles that separate me from him and to know that I still have a clear vision of him at the end of everything, it makes me want to do whatever it takes and whatever I can to go through with this.

So I’ve been with John for one year already and we’ve experience being apart for several months. It hasn’t been easy, and I can’t stress that enough.

But, this is the choice I make to love him every day. To pick up the phone and message him good morning or good night. To remember that he’s the first one I can still call when things go bad, when things go good. To ask him how his day went. To see his face and laugh with him. That part of the relationship is actually pretty easy, keeping him in my life.

Not easy is seeing couples hold hands and knowing I can’t have that. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week, not when things go good or when things go bad. I have to wait and be patient until the next time that I can hold his hand, which is the next time that we see each other, it makes it all the more meaningful the next time. You don’t know what it’s like to go through the joy of seeing him and dreading the start of the countdown. Day 1, and the next day inches closer to the day you have to let him go again.

Most times the situation challenges you to your limits and makes you want to give up. It makes you ask so many questions like why do I have to wait for someone like this, am I ever going to be with this person, how long is it gonna take before we really end up.

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Fortunately, my luck falls on John and the kind of man that he is. If he wasn’t the one I was going through this hell-hole with, I wouldn’t have made it to 1 year of long distance. BUT (yeah, big but), I’m happy and it’s been worth it. He’s been worth it. Especially when you see that through all your weaknesses and failures, his love still preserves and he always chooses to see the best in me when I forget to see myself that way.

We’ve been realistic. We know that there’s still a lot that can happen to us, especially since we still have our lives ahead of us. A lot of things have changed through the course of our relationship. We’re not rushing into anything, to be honest. We both know that right now we love each other a lot to keep ourselves committed to one another, but we will not, in any way, sacrifice the dreams that we want for ourselves.

So we’ve actually been good at this. We’re both balancing out ourselves and the relationship and we give each other time to breathe and do our own things, live our own lives while we’re both away from each other. Most importantly, we support each other grow on our own and discover new things and abilities without the other, as well as discover new things we want and new things that could be in store for us. We never pull the other down; we both know that we plan to be together, just not now. Right now we have ourselves. Right now we have months of being independent and we want to maximize that for ourselves before entering into a really serious commitment (which is marriage duh #letsberealhere). We’re both really happy. We’re not holding each other back or denying ourselves the little bubble of happiness we get from our relationship too and that’s been the best part and that’s why it’s all been worth it.

I have to get by September, October, November, December and only God knows how many more months in 2017 till I can see him again. But I guess no matter what happens in our relationship we’d both love to see each other again and again and we both know that we’ll always love each other.

And we both trust in that.  I just hope that, that will be enough to keep us together.

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So, right now, I want to thank my boyfriend, John for never failing to make me feel like a princess every single day even though we’re thousand miles apart. You’re the most dependable, most protective, and most caring guy. In spite of my nonchalance and occasional air of ungratefulness, please know that I appreciate all this, that I appreciate all of you and that I wouldn’t have it any other way with anybody else. I’ll always stick around with you. For 1 year we shared a lot of great memories together and I will forever cherish them. Cheers to more adventure, more crazy and unforgettable moments together. I wish I could spend our day with you.

So love and enjoy the distance that you have instead of complaining about it more than you appreciate it because the more you complain, the more it causes disdain. And stress and pity-partying and just everything else that could break a perfectly good relationship. Be more appreciative and forgiving and everything will be alright!

I’ll see you soon baby. I love you and miss you always!!

This is how you lose her

This is how you lose her. 

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You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget.

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the  beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her.

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

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DISCLAIMER: Excerpt from Junot Diaz, This is How You Lose Her.

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Long Distance Love

Many people believe that long distance relationships are never going to work out. Nobody says it is going to be easy – that extra distance that makes many things unachievable. Things could get complicated, and you could get sad and lonely at times. I’m not going to lie to you; long distance relationships are probably the toughest kind of relationships, the ones that actually require you to give in every single thing you’ve got, the ones that can turn you into the one of the most frustrated people on the planet, and the ones that can actually make you start questioning and begin to understand why you ever agreed to put yourself through this. The endless struggle of not seeing each other, making late night phone calls and keeping the fire alive is all too real. But, there’s no denying that as challenging as it is or was, living apart from one another only brought you and your significant other closer together.

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I, like many other happy people on this earth, have found myself in a long distance relationship and while it might be difficult, it’s working out just fine for my boyfriend and I.  For the first six months of my current relationship, I had been living between eleven to fourteen hours away from my boyfriend. We had known of each other for several months until last September, both of us decided to level up our friendship and continues on a more serious relationship; however, I never experienced a serious long distance relationship beforehand.

It completely changed when my boyfriend made serious career changes and decided to work on a cruise ship line which means he’ll be thousand miles away from me travelling from one country to another. Because I don’t want to be a hindrance for his dream and I want him to be happy. I supported him in whatever dream/s he has. I also understand that if we both have our time apart to achieve some of our goals, then we can have a future where we achieve the rest together

Just like any other long distance relationship plays out, we struggled, grew and learned to love in our particular way. It was difficult but we were committed to make things work out. It’s very challenging and being in this kind of relationship has changed me a lot. You both need to adjust with each other time and schedule. It’s hard but I know it will be worth it. Being in a long distance relationship is never easy. You need to deal with the distance, time difference, the loneliness, and even jealousy of the people who get to see your significant other. Long distance relationship may be tough but it has its own surprises too.

My boyfriend and I are in such relationship and so far, we’re getting the hang of it. But sometimes, no, every single day I just can’t help to miss him. It’s hard being away from the one you love. Only people who spend their days missing another person like we do truly understand how hard it is to see someone so important to you on a screen and only on a screen. And even more annoying, every time your data is crappy or your wifi cuts out, your connection is lost or you’re left reconnecting for minutes on end. It’s absolutely infuriating.

When time difference is such real bitch, whether it’s an hour or 12, being on another time zone is a constant struggle. When you’re waking up, he’s half-finished with his day. He’s headed to bed long before you’re even thinking about clocking out for the night. I know it isn’t the end of the world and it can be managed with a little compromise between you two.

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There are times you’ll worry for no reason about stupid things. That’s the thing about distance; it can make you a bit paranoid. I don’t even know where to start on this one. I’m sure other women out there understand what I’m trying to say. Let’s just say that when you’re thousand miles away, TRUST and UNDERSTANDING is a big deal. Without those two things, your relationship will fail. I promise you that. Now, I know you might be getting a bit worked up. But you don’t have to mistrust him while thinking of horrible scenarios in your head. For me anyway, I know that any awful thing that crawls into my mind isn’t true. It also helps when you know what they’re doing and who they’re with. It leaves less blanks for your mind to fill in. It requires a lot of understanding. Understanding that his day change and our schedules are different. And that’s okay. All you have to do is understand that things get busy, and that you talk when you can. However, if you believe in your heart that the person your with loves you as much as you love them, you’ve got nothing to worry about. If you trust one another, you’ll come away from your time apart a stronger couple.

I learned to adjust with my boyfriend’s schedule. I’m getting the hang of talking to him more or less one hour everyday or I say whenever his schedule is not that hectic. Even though sometimes I feel bad I wasn’t able to talk to him or see him, I can’t complain about it. The most I can do is to wait for him to be online and sit from across a screen just to look at each other faces and talk to each other as much time as we possibly can. Just being in different time zones makes scheduling much harder than it needs to be. You have to sacrifice sleep and learn how to make time and prioritize your significant other.

Yes, the waiting can be painful. It sure as hell it isn’t a Hollywood romance. Sometimes you feel like giving up, but you chose to keep going. You need to remind yourself that the results at the end will be sweet as heaven. I see every second, every minutes of our conversation as a blessing. No matter how short the time we have talking to each other. I love him and I hope this waiting, this long distance relationship will be worth it. The little things he does for me are the big things. Getting an “I love you”, “I miss you” and such a simple “Good morning” and “Good night” text in the middle of the day or when you wake up feels like getting flowers from him. It’s pleasant to know that you’re the first and last thing on your boyfriends’ mind. You appreciate the littlest things so much that the bigger things feel even better.

But at the end of the day, when all is said and done, when all your heart and soul has been put into this one part of your life, you will know and be proud of the fact that your relationship has come out a lot stronger and has become more resilient than an average relationship could ever be. With God in the center of our relationship, I know everything will be fine in the end. I’m just excited to see my love, to kiss and to hug him tight.

Are you in the beginning, the middle or end of a long distance relationship? Be strong and take heart!! Here’s to us and a love that survives even the longest bouts of separation. If you’re in a committed relationship and serious about your significant other, the time spent apart will seem short in the long run. It takes time to grow together but you’ll find that distance, no matter how painful, truly makes the heart grow fonder.

Poetry #8 – Someplace, I’d rather be [With Someone]

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At this very moment I am supposed to be

thinking about something else,

but may I just ask,

Why is it that we are never really where we are?

Why do we always have a “somewhere else I’d rather be”?

I’ve never realized it until now,

but there’s something about far places that intrigued me.

Something about longing to be there.

I know that this could only mean one thing:

I am in search of solace.

Where do you find it?

Is it in the person you love?

In touching the soft wings of a dead butterfly?

In coffee? Cold floors?

In room full of roses and tulips?

Is it strange to find solace in a set of skeleton keys or blank notebooks and journals?

Sometime I wonder,

in my search for solace,

who will come with me,

when they all have

somewhere else they’d rather be?

Letters to X: You Weren’t Even Mine

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There are few things as hopeful as the feeling you get when you make a connection with someone. You try not to jump the gun. After all, you get weird when there’s too much warmth. You want a guy who’s rational and won’t let his feelings dictate his reactions, and it seems like this might be him.

You’re excited to see where this goes, and that feeling grows ever so slightly when he mentions how much he’s looking forward to taking you out again. But, suddenly, your prospect disappears, just like the men who came before him and those who have yet to surface.

How are you doing? You’re probably thinking the same thing you always said: Good, but busy. Work is crazy, and you’ve been hanging with friends. Crazy how time flies, right?! Let me tell you how I’ve been: I’ve been nostalgic. Maybe it’s due to all the Taylor Swift I’ve been listening to.

I’ve been lonely. I sit around and watch my best friends in loving relationships, so I know I’m not reaching for the stars when I say I eventually want something like that. Men are out there; I’m looking at them. I’m actually looking at guys who genuinely care for other people more than themselves. A guy who’s rational and won’t let his feelings dictate his reactions, but for the life of me, I can’t seem to locate a single guy like that for myself.

But today, I choose to be free. Walking alone in a vast forest, you take comfort in the solitude. When the sun shines through the trees, it’s warm and when the breeze picks up, the leaves rustle. Up ahead there seems to be a small, natural clearing where the grass is moving in waves.

I choose to free myself from everything that relates me to you and you to me. I don’t want to be chained by the memories — the ones that kept me from stepping that first step into moving on— any longer. Now, you’ve made it clear to me that I am just a sentence in your book. And I choose to close that chapter.

I don’t want to fall harder for someone who I know will easily gives up on me and not take the same risk of falling for me. It hurts knowing they looked at you and saw nothing but another notch in their belt or a page in their diary. I put too much of my heart into this too soon. So maybe it’s my own fault. My expectations of what was happening between us were apparently out of reach. I thought we were on the same page, and you assured me many times that we were.

You’re great, but you’re not that great. You’re smart, but you’re not that smart. You’re attractive, but you’re no Hemsworth. If you miss me, tell me. If you want me, tell me and if you need me gone, out of your life, moved on, with someone else, anything… tell me. For whatever reason, you dropped the ball, and I know that. You talk the talk, but you don’t walk the walk, and I deserve someone who does.

But I shouldn’t feel this hollow. I have other things to focus on, other people to give love to, and other memories — not from you — to hold on to. You dropped the ball, and one day you’ll realize that. I know that, too. But, if you don’t mean the words you’re feeding me, then stop. Let me breathe. If chances are not made and it turns out that we are not meant to be, I hope there will be someone who prove themselves to be worthy of our love.

This will be the end of a story that had a fairy tale beginning and a tragic end — on my part.

But you get through it, because moving on is the only way to open your mind to the possibility of falling in love with someone new. This is the start of me taking over my life again; me getting back on my feet; me living MY life.

You’ve taken too much of my mind and occupied most of my heart but now I am taking it all back. Maybe these haunting thoughts will disappear along with some of the pain. As you put it, you have to let go of the memory of me and my memory of you.

Take care of yourself because you definitely are.

Wishing us both the best.

End.

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Flashback to previous entry –>Letters to X: You deserve A Woman

Letters to X: You deserve A Woman

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I feel like I do not deserve you.

You deserve a woman who is beautiful, whose face carries flawless, soft skin, and a smile that lights up the room. You deserve someone who walks with grace and speaks with the most decadent of voices. She should be gentle, caring, submissive, sweet…

She will lend you her body most nights, and you will enjoy her beauty. You will have adorable children.

I can see you walking down the mall with her perfection snug around your arm, with your eldest bundle of energy running down to catch up with his nanny, pushing the stroller holding your 5-month old baby.

Society has taught me to view her as the epitome of ideal,

And because I refuse to conform,

Society has warned me that

You will see me for who I truly am and……

You will let go.

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I feel like you deserve me.

You deserve a woman who fought for the respect of her appearance, whose face carries invisible battle scars and true emotions. You deserve someone who feels the music in her soul when she dances, and speaks with the purest sincerity.

I will not lend you anything, for those who lend expect back.

I will give you my love most nights.

I can see us going on adventures in Manila, exploring the little Chinatown and buying silly collectible items, eating spicy Asian foods and arguing over the taste of Cilantro, or going bargain hunting for things we like. We will be passionate, we will fight, and we will feel fantastic.

Because even though society insists that our chances are improbable, I refuse to conform.

Society will always try to warn me, but you will see me for who I truly am and we shall hold on.

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Flashback to previous entry –>Letters to X: First Kiss

Letters to X: First Kiss

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A kiss,

To me, was

The one I saw on Disney’s Sleeping Beauty, and the idea that my very first would be as magical as hers. It’s what I would watch my mother give my father in the living room when he would come home from the store with chocolates and flowers,  just for her.

It was what I wanted from my crush in third grade,

And it’s also what he didn’t want to give to me.

As I got older, life became a little more complicated, and so did my idea of a kiss;

It was something you gave someone you were in love with. It’s what Mike did to Rachel in the back of the gym, and the more complicated version of it is called “making out”. Why is it even called that? What do you make, and why does it go out?

Because based to the massive amounts of romance novels I had read, the first kiss was really important. Apparently you were supposed to feel all sorts of mystical fire-like sensations that left you dizzy and incoherent.

It was something I would daydream about,

And it was also something I began to think that I didn’t deserve.

A handful of years later, a kiss became

Something that I believed I’d never have. People around me would give them at parties like handing out spare pieces of candy, conveniently pointing at drunken stupor as an excuse. It was something that everyone did, except for me. I thought that no one wanted to ever one give to me, so in self-loving denial and bitterness, I thought; why should I be so eager to give it away?

It was locked up in a box that I’d open only for someone I loved,

And I also decided to throw away the key.

Given that time had taken us to present bliss, let me tell you what a kiss to me now is,

It’s a peek into my secret garden, a river of love and loss I try to not let overflow.

It is aged wine I kept for too long in my cabinet; past refined. It’s a moment of intertwined vulnerability; exciting, imperfect, human. It is still something I’ve never done, but it is definitely something I will do.

It is the prize to the key you found (and I threw)

It’s also what I’m going to give

To you.

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Flashback to previous entry –> Letters to X: The Small Moments that Save Us

Letters to X: The Small Moments That Save Us

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After months of not talking you texted me again. I’m surprised. We talked and I forgave you. There was nothing wrong with you having feelings for me. It was highly likely you confused your friendly affections for me as something else. If not, I believed your loyalty to our friendship will make you move on. It was obvious from the beginning that I’m not that in a romantic light and I was confident that you would respect my feelings the way I was trying to respect yours. After all, I appreciate you, for all the efforts. I just want time to build a strong foundation for us which is to have a close friendship.

There’s beauty in us. The way we can say a lot by not saying anything, how we can never deliver what we truly feel nor imply the complications of what must come. I can feel your chest when I lay close to it, but never the words lurking around and in it.

You established a foundation for a relationship on our first friendly hangout. I’m not sure if it’s a date. We eat lunch and then went to coffee shop, and you told me everything from your family. I know all about your brothers, sister and nephew/niece. I know enough about your family to easily swoop right in and be a part of it, but now it’s clear that I’ll never even meet your precious nephew/niece you spoke so lovingly about.

We’d have a great time; with drinks in our hand and with good heartfelt conversations. You’d be the perfect gentleman and walk me home. You told me it was the least you could do, and I’d think you were too perfect to be true. You’re good at making me feel special. You’re amazing at drawing me in. But this is what he does. His passions are tidal waves that take him over. He won’t think about anything else other than what he’s focused on at that moment in time. And right now I’m on it. He doesn’t think about anything that isn’t you and you feel chosen, you feel special, you feel unique, and you feel loved in a way you didn’t know was possible.

You can look too long through my eyes, but not too long enough to see the soul within. If we stare, touch and feel a little more, would we be able to? At times it is baffling and a blur and yet I continue to see the different versions of ‘what if’s’ for the both of us awaiting to be discovered and lived. It doesn’t last. The negativity surrounding itself is, however, overriding the possibilities of happy ending. He can’t focus his attention on you forever. He’ll move on to something new, but you’ll start to wonder what you did wrong. You’ll wonder if it’s just your relationship calming down, or if he’s starting to forget how brilliantly he used to believe you shined.

I was comfortable with the somewhat slow pace with which we were getting to know one another, and, frankly, I didn’t want to be tied down yet, either.

However, you would come to disappoint me and the precious bond we shared. It started with unnecessary favors and escalated to grand gestures. You were laying the groundwork for your desired outcome – to make me yours. You were deliberately throwing the ball into my court and it was clear I had only two options: Lovers or nothing.

I could not see you yet in a romantic light but I also could not bring myself to hurt you. I’ve been pissed off. I know I’m not clingy, I don’t expect gifts and I love girls nights probably more than you love boys nights. I did my best to delay the inevitable but, one day I would have to face you. And when I did, I knew neither of us was coming out in one piece. So, I hope you understand me more. I hope you give me more time to tell myself that you are The One, that you’re worth of my heart because I knew the moment I said no, it was over for us. You would never understand how much I dreaded this ending. You would never know that I had tried to make myself fall for you endless times. I never tried to be your girlfriend. I never gave you the third-degree about your whereabouts if I wasn’t with you because it was none of my business. I care for you and I felt ashamed that the happiness you sought from me was beyond my ability. I know that you give me more, more time to get to know you, maybe I’m at fault too for you feeling I’m pushing you away. But, I don’t! I’m sorry! You would never understand how much guilt and doubt I felt over this outcome. Yes, this time I’m not yet ready for the relationship you want. I’ve told you that so I think you are aware or maybe not. I never wished for anything but friendship at this time.

To my dismay, this made you resent me. I became the bitch who broke your heart. In your eyes, I morphed into an emotionally unavailable woman who could not appreciate what was right in front of her. But you know what? I did. Honestly, I did! It was you who could not appreciate me. You belittled the friendship we shared. To you, none of that mattered if I couldn’t be yours. And perhaps the greatest pain is that you might never realize that it wasn’t love you felt for me. It was something else, something selfish and shady. For if it indeed was love, you would have been able to see the beauty in what we had and cherished it the way I did. You would have seen that it was just as important, if not more, than romance.

And whether that is grounding, terrifying or momentary, I don’t know.

All I know is there is beauty in our nothing.

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Flashback to previous entry –> Letters to X: Summer Romance In a Fiction

Letters to X: Summer Romance In a Fiction

Hi readers! This is my first sloppy entry for “Letters to X”. So sorry it takes too long to post my first entry. Enjoy the amateur writing by me!

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When I met you, there were no fireworks. No sparks. Nothing. I can’t remember if there’s a chance that we did talk. All I know is that we just keep bumping each other in the school corridor like strangers. It started with the casual, occasional texting and soon morphed into incessant texting. We practically knew each other’s every move.

He had messy waves, black, short hair when I met him. He wore a black pants that sagged just right. I had my favorite flannel shirt and jeans on. He was a full-on sport guy. I was 17 and naive. I had too much of my life going on. There were parties and night outs and boys.

He was young and just as complicated. He had all his life figured out. He played ball and went to church on Sundays. I lay on my bed hung-over on Sundays. He loves his family and his friends. He has goals, but he has some wanderlust, too. He texted me when he was free and he let me know when he was busy. I did not see myself as the princess you came to rescue. Instead, as we chatted and enthused over our similarities, I saw something else. I saw a friend. I felt a warmth and security that is unlike romantic love but just as special, if not more. I believed we were companions on the same boat. Well, at least we were at the beginning.

Seeing a small box up on top of my shelf filled with handwritten letters, scraps of paper, mostly white. Some are in envelopes, some are loose. But they’re all there. Every single one.

When I’m curled up in my bed because Dad yelled at me again and I haven’t started my errands, and I feel so alone that I am paralyzed, there is only one thing that can propel me to stand. I walk to the box and pull one out. Sometimes, I just need a little one; a couple of words will do it, as long as they’re yours. But when it’s one of those nights and the world feels too big, too far away, and I dig my fingernails into my thighs just to feel something other than Too Much, I need more. I need a long one. Maybe the one that spans both sides of the legal-sized paper because that’s all you could find and you know how much I hate emptiness. Or maybe the one that starts “I’m writing because I don’t know what to say when I’m with you.” That’s one of my favorites.

But in the absolute worst of times, I always go for the second letter you ever wrote me.

You told me you liked me for the very first time. He liked me, he said. A lot, I asked. And laughed and laughed and laughed at the thought of someone liking me so much. He didn’t say anything. I kept on laughing. He stared at me until I finally stopped. Why, I asked again. His eye glimmered and faded into nothing. He looked down on his knees and pressed his fingernails into them. I looked away. I asked you twice to make sure I’m hearing the words right. I’m confused. I didn’t believe it. I could no longer bear seeing him worship me so much. I knew we weren’t in love, because we didn’t know each other well enough or long enough to even entertain the idea of love. You professed your drawn out infatuation during Christmas together with the gift you’ve given me. I didn’t deserve the way you treated me. And you did, for an interesting turn of events, treat me good. But I was scared of how good you treated me that long after all these will last, I will crave more and more until you no longer can give. We were young and things were new but probably not as exciting as they should have been. But just as quickly as you made me believe we were something, we became nothing — and I’m not sure how or why.

For me, that was okay because I’m not sure if you REALLY fallen in love with me.

Of course I didn’t mind it, I think that maybe your words are not serious at all I don’t want to assume it means romantically. And I can’t be too selfish to ask that much from you, when I only laugh in the middle of your sentences. So months passed by you stop talking to me. And I don’t want to bother you, to disrupt your life in any way. That time I’m sure you’re not serious and tried to play it cool.

My dad words keeps replaying in my mind, and I know that every father wants his daughter to be with a good man. My dad told me, “Wait for the right time and for the right man. If the man is ready to wait for you and never gives up on you it is worth the risk to give him chance.”

It shouldn’t hurt this bad. I wasn’t even allowed to call you mine. You weren’t my boyfriend but the expectations were there. You made me trust that it would happen, that I wouldn’t have to feel alone. That you were going to be here, at least for a while. You listened to me. Wanted to know everything about me, even the darkest parts of my soul. I’ve had walls up for quite some time but I’m trying to put down those walls to let you in my life. I let you in and you ended up giving up on me.

But, the next day, it was as if last night’s episode never aired.

And now I look back, reading all the messages we exchanged. I just was never sure of him. Until today.

And I guess summer, like the feelings that come with it, lasts only for a short while but stays in our memories forever.

Letters to X: It’s Not You, It’s The Idea Of You

Conceptual-Photography

We weren’t together for very long. Okay, maybe we weren’t actually together at all. I never jumped the gun about what we were, but it was hard not to see. You loved the world as much as your friends and family. But you had me believe that we were some form of a partnership, and that’s really what that matters.

Because it happens again the talking stopped. You always does it keeps me hanging. We went from friends with a possible future to nothing. That’s clear to me, if anything. I have my suspicions of why you walked away, why you chose to hurt me. And it almost aches more this way. Knowing that we could be together right now but something stopped you. All I can think of is you get tired because you tried your best to always ask me out unfortunately I can’t make time for you because of my priorities and schedule. I’m sorry! I can’t blame you for stop talking to me because people don’t like waiting for nothing. Maybe you thought you were no good for me, that I couldn’t or shouldn’t deal with your problems. Maybe I’m just afraid of letting anyone love me or get too close. But that’s okay, I didn’t really have my hopes up. Because of this you made me see that you’re not different from the boys I’ve met. Boys who easily give up because things get harder. Okay, yes, I sound like a bitter bitch here! I think its fine that this happened before anything get serious, before the love, the feelings fully bloom.

It’s always been like a rocket launch gone wrong – all the hype and anticipation building up to one incredible moment when you lift off and think that this time it will work, this time we’ll be clear, this time we’ll shoot straight past the stars. But something always goes wrong, and as we watch the explosion, fire reflected in our eyes, I wonder if you are also silently questioning what we could have done better. I didn’t want exciting. I wanted steady, and strong, and protective. I wanted to wake up knowing that you were still there, that you were still mine. I was done with games. You’re gone now though, so perhaps I’ll never know for sure.

Yes, in spite of all this and the time that’s passed, I still thinking of you.  I hate that I do because I know you do not. You are busy getting on with your life, and I don’t matter anymore. So, am I. I’m taking forward with my life too. At the risk of sounding desperate, I’ll admit that I miss your messages. I miss you texting me knowing how my day was. The thing is, I’m not sure if it’s really you I miss, or the idea of you. It’s likely a little of both, but I don’t know how to separate the two, and the image in my head is so lovely that I’m not sure I want to.

No, I wasn’t quite in love with you. I was in love with all of the things I hoped our relationship could be, all the things I wanted to know about you. I was in love with the possibility of falling in love with you, and it’s the idea I haven’t been able to shake out of my head in the months since we stop talking.

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To be continued –> Letters to X: Summer Romance in a Fiction