The Little Things

One cold night, you’re all alone in your room, taking a break from all the stress the world placed on you. You can’t help but notice the slight pitter-patter of rain in your window as you cuddle snugly in bed.

You somehow manage to frown, thinking that time is progressive. At times you want to stop the clock—or at least slow it down a bit—you can’t, unless you want it to ruthlessly leave you behind. Life moves too fast.

You remember your childhood. You realize that life won’t be as easy as it was when you were 5, or 7, or 10. You wish you to be young again—that getting a lollipop would mean the world to you; that hugging your teddy bear as you sleep instantly safeguards you from nightmares.

All of a sudden, it comes to a halt, and after 2 milliseconds or so, heavy rain comes crashing down.

Then it hits you. You’ll never be young again. The reason why you couldn’t go back is that you’re meant to move forward. Each passing day is a step closer to your destination, and every step comes with a huge set of challenges.

The rain decides to stop. A rainbow emerges on the horizon, and you suddenly feel lighter.

You realize that life wouldn’t be the same if you were always a kid, if you always had the world to yourself, if you hadn’t moved on. You’re a big girl now, and you can handle anything you tell yourself you can handle. It’s amazing how small things could make you understand the big pictures.

After all, you could still cuddle up in bed with your teddy bear; you could still enjoy the majestic presence of the rainbow in your room.

1 to Infinite

 

My lovely boyfriend and I celebrated our first anniversary. Today is one of the best days in my life. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY! I’m proud to say that we have made it already this far. Because staying in a long distance relationship is very hard for sure.

It seems so unreal. Knowing that I’m still together with someone who’s not with me for months, physically. 1 year. 1 year I’ve been praying for peace of heart and strength. It’s not easy, it’s still not easy. It’s not easy when the one you love has to be far away from you and it’s not easy when you see other people have all the time in the world to be physically close to their loved ones. When I think about it deeply, I realize that my relationship is composed of messaging and 30 minutes to 1 hour video call. That’s what I have. It’s more of dates over FB Messenger, chatting with him and making kissy and huggy noises over a phone call when we both say goodnight to each other. It’s not exactly the ideal relationship someone wants, but that’s what I have.

Distance isn’t meant for everyone. It’s not easy and a lot of people give up. I’ve also heard so many times that it can break a relationship more than it can make it. Not a lot of people believe that it can work and not a lot of people would be willing to take this risk. But for those who experience the latter, they know what strength is, they have a great understanding of patience and a deep value for time. It’s not just about the distance, it’s also going to be about the time difference, the need for internet connection to communicate (cause I’m pretty sure international text is going to be a killer) and our patience for and with each other.
4e16319f4126cc498d0316b73743e8d5 It doesn’t stop me from believing that this can be different. I guess at the end of everything, I don’t really see the distance, because all I see is the other person at the end of all the kilometers and miles that separate me from him and to know that I still have a clear vision of him at the end of everything, it makes me want to do whatever it takes and whatever I can to go through with this.

So I’ve been with John for one year already and we’ve experience being apart for several months. It hasn’t been easy, and I can’t stress that enough.

But, this is the choice I make to love him every day. To pick up the phone and message him good morning or good night. To remember that he’s the first one I can still call when things go bad, when things go good. To ask him how his day went. To see his face and laugh with him. That part of the relationship is actually pretty easy, keeping him in my life.

Not easy is seeing couples hold hands and knowing I can’t have that. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week, not when things go good or when things go bad. I have to wait and be patient until the next time that I can hold his hand, which is the next time that we see each other, it makes it all the more meaningful the next time. You don’t know what it’s like to go through the joy of seeing him and dreading the start of the countdown. Day 1, and the next day inches closer to the day you have to let him go again.

Most times the situation challenges you to your limits and makes you want to give up. It makes you ask so many questions like why do I have to wait for someone like this, am I ever going to be with this person, how long is it gonna take before we really end up.

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Fortunately, my luck falls on John and the kind of man that he is. If he wasn’t the one I was going through this hell-hole with, I wouldn’t have made it to 1 year of long distance. BUT (yeah, big but), I’m happy and it’s been worth it. He’s been worth it. Especially when you see that through all your weaknesses and failures, his love still preserves and he always chooses to see the best in me when I forget to see myself that way.

We’ve been realistic. We know that there’s still a lot that can happen to us, especially since we still have our lives ahead of us. A lot of things have changed through the course of our relationship. We’re not rushing into anything, to be honest. We both know that right now we love each other a lot to keep ourselves committed to one another, but we will not, in any way, sacrifice the dreams that we want for ourselves.

So we’ve actually been good at this. We’re both balancing out ourselves and the relationship and we give each other time to breathe and do our own things, live our own lives while we’re both away from each other. Most importantly, we support each other grow on our own and discover new things and abilities without the other, as well as discover new things we want and new things that could be in store for us. We never pull the other down; we both know that we plan to be together, just not now. Right now we have ourselves. Right now we have months of being independent and we want to maximize that for ourselves before entering into a really serious commitment (which is marriage duh #letsberealhere). We’re both really happy. We’re not holding each other back or denying ourselves the little bubble of happiness we get from our relationship too and that’s been the best part and that’s why it’s all been worth it.

I have to get by September, October, November, December and only God knows how many more months in 2017 till I can see him again. But I guess no matter what happens in our relationship we’d both love to see each other again and again and we both know that we’ll always love each other.

And we both trust in that.  I just hope that, that will be enough to keep us together.

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So, right now, I want to thank my boyfriend, John for never failing to make me feel like a princess every single day even though we’re thousand miles apart. You’re the most dependable, most protective, and most caring guy. In spite of my nonchalance and occasional air of ungratefulness, please know that I appreciate all this, that I appreciate all of you and that I wouldn’t have it any other way with anybody else. I’ll always stick around with you. For 1 year we shared a lot of great memories together and I will forever cherish them. Cheers to more adventure, more crazy and unforgettable moments together. I wish I could spend our day with you.

So love and enjoy the distance that you have instead of complaining about it more than you appreciate it because the more you complain, the more it causes disdain. And stress and pity-partying and just everything else that could break a perfectly good relationship. Be more appreciative and forgiving and everything will be alright!

I’ll see you soon baby. I love you and miss you always!!

This is how you lose her

This is how you lose her. 

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You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget.

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the  beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her.

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

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DISCLAIMER: Excerpt from Junot Diaz, This is How You Lose Her.

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I collect moments, not things.

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Life is about spending time tinkering your favorite old toy, reading a good book and crying about it, listening to your playlist, successful / failed surprises, whole-heartedly appreciating anybody who’s brave enough to show you simple act of kindness, sitting on a passenger seat singing songs on the radio out loud with someone you love, passionate kisses, long tight embraces and a whole lot little moments.

I figured you have to immerse yourself with anything that will make your heart happy, no matter how simple it is. Life’s a lot more meaningful by letting yourself go and feel what’s there.

Found. YOU. YES, YOU

In times of nothingness I have found you. You’re in between the thought of a stranger to me and someone I knew. Nonetheless, you are considered a blessing and I hold that idea with me. How can someone be so gentle? I have known you so little yet it meant a lot, considering you brought something out of me I thought I no longer have. You say every day might be short-lived but yet again you always remind that life is surreal. I recall the date I have my first date with you and it was pretty awkward. But, t’was something you don’t really get a lot. You and I both, we were a complete mess. I couldn’t hide my imperfections and I thought, “Way to go for a first impression?”

It feels nice to be treated well by someone most especially if both of you feel the same way, that even if you don’t say it, it radiates. No matter what you do, you can’t just hide that certain chemistry. You know it’s sincere if you’re not expecting something in return, it comes out naturally, and you don’t take credit for any of those gestures. I still prefer the unconscious effort more than anything.

Your presence felt like home and somehow, in all the silences, awkward pauses, and unexpected laughter, I feel the safest. In every instance of you holding my hand and me, leaning towards the familiar crevice between your neck and your shoulder, there is a warmth that reminds me of a place I often connect with accepting hugs and cozy blankets.

You never fail to make me laugh, despite all our troubles. You seem to know everything that’s on my mind. You serenade me with your gentle ‘I love you’s and ‘I miss you’s. You always know when I need you. You say that you’re mine, forever, and that you’ll never let me go. You tell me that my eyes shine brighter than the stars in heaven, and all those profoundly-structured compliments. You bring all those romantic movie scenes to life, and built me the perfect love story. You seem to make me want to run away and leave everything behind. You make my life seem like a dream.

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You. Yes, you.

And cherish the moments you least expect to happen. You take it all in like as if you know so much but not at all. You experience the most unexplainable feeling yet cannot put them into words. The uncertainty of what is happening makes everything beautiful and even if you try to grasp it and keep it, all you can do is inhale it and let your heart fill the emotion.

People with good effect within us don’t come by often, for all I know it’s one in a million. Even though things will eventually fleet or chances are it will fade away. I couldn’t thank this moment enough for making me feel okay. With that being said, I say cheers to all the little good genuine feelings you gave me. :)

Happy 182 days baby! I love you!

Dear Self

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Dear Self,

You may not have figured out that one thing you can stick with for the rest of your life, but don’t fret you still have time. Your life has become a series of trial and errors as it should be, but just like math equations once you’ve figured it out, it would all seem easier. Well we hope for that because other times there are extra variables that come into play, and still you can get around it just like many other times you did in the past. Remember, you should never rush anything, it’s like finding a solution, it is a tedious task, but once you get the final answer, it will all be worth it.

Love,
Self

Mind-set

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Sometimes it is hard to smile whenever there’s something that is bothering you but always remember that at the end of every rain there is a rainbow. It may be hard to be optimistic, especially when you know you’re got no one to blame but rely on yourself. But also remember that those problems are there for a reason. God gave you those problems not because He wants you to suffer; He gave you those simply because He loves you. He thinks you’re strong and He wants you to be stronger. Problems are meant to make you stronger and not to break you apart. Always believe in the power of optimism. Be positive! Being negative is just like killing yourself out of this world. Smile and have hope! Like what I always tell myself.

Hearts everywhere

I know this is kinda late post for valentines day but who cares it still the LOVE month.

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Your say on Valentines day?

Valentine’s Day is a day of love and romance for some, a day of chocolate and cards for others, but for some, it is a day of bitter desperation and longing. I think that everyday should be like Valentines day.

I honestly don’t think it’s nice that you’ll just go along with everyone; that you’ll just make someone feel special once a year. I think that people should erase that mentality and pursue on making their special someone feel loved for 365 days.

I think that is better compared to giving it your all for just one day. Give it your all everyday :) it’s super worth it especially when you know and see how much s/he appreciates everything you do. Even if it’s only by bringing him/her to his classroom or picking him/her up every time. Sometimes even by just texting him/her a sweet good morning/night message. :)

If you love someone, show them that you appreciate them everyday; that you care for them and that even without chocolates, roses, balloons, or any material things, you can make them feel special :) People usually get blinded with what they see thinking that that’s already what they feel, but seriously, I think it’s better if you really show the person that you love that you love them.

Right Down Memory Lane

Today, out of boredom, I decided to fix my bedroom and drawers. Finally, I decided to start seriously de-cluttering and weeding out my stuff and got to somehow finish it today. Fixing my room, especially my drawers are always an instant trip down memory lane.

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I don’t have a big room and I even share it with my sister. I just keep a LOT of little stuff. There are always things that remind me of certain events and memories. I’m sentimental like that since. I rarely fix it. I get to keep even the most random items from the past. Haha! I used to be the girl who kept receipts of where she ate or what she bought, wrote every detail of what happened in the back of any paper I see or tissue paper and kept my past planners, notebooks with poems and quotes on it. I used to be the girl who kept every paper and notes from school, thinking that someday it will be useful. Among other things, I found my collection of studio and photo booth pictures from different events and handwritten letters from friends. I found myself staring at each one of them trying to relieve what happened for that particular night or day. Out of the blue, I’d catch myself smiling from remembering a certain memory. Be it embarrassing or funny, it’s simple reminiscences like that, that makes travelling down our own memory lane so comforting. So, here I wanna share some of the stuffs I find while fixing my things. I’m so sorry for the quality of the pics don’t have that much time to edit it. Hihi :P

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My notebooks and pens.
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My planners.
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Taken during my 1st year college. Loooook!! I’m still soooo young!! “Nene” days Hahaha
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My College Barkada!! TEAM PETIX. Sooo highschool with the studio pics. Hehe :))
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With my dear sister. <3 :)
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With my awesome family. <3
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Some stuffs given to me by my friends. :)

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This was given to me during my last day of review for my Nursing boards by someone named Frank as you can see on the pencil. Haha Actually, I didn’t know him personally, maybe I’ll know him by face. He just asked his friend to give this to me as sign of good luck for our upcoming boards. I just have a chance to say Thank You to him when added me in Facebook. By then, I remembered him that he’s the one who always smile at me whenever we bump each other and of course I’m kind of girl that smiles when someone smiles at me . :) I appreciated this little gesture of him of taking some time to buy this small box and add up some personal touch. :D
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LEFT: These are the birthday messages from my roommates while reviewing for our nursing boards. RIGHT: Notes and letters coming from my awesome friends. :))
For some reason, after my clean up, I felt really good. Even though it was really tiring, I had all this energy to clean so more. Hehe  :) Now that I’ve fixed my things and throw the things that are needed to throw…I guess now I have free space for new momentos!! :D

Expectations

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Sometimes what we expect and what actually happens can be completely surprising in a good way. Of course, some things in life really are predictable. It’s reassuring when things turn out just as we think they will. But more oten than not, the universe pulls the rug out from under us. Will be brave? Or will we run away, hoping to avoid the next cruel surprise? So how do we carry on in a world where the unexpected could hit at any time? We look for someone we love to hold on to.